So frustrating.

My relationship with my Father has progressed very steadily. Yet I now find myself in a place of frustration.

I want to write a song.

One must understand how my soul thirsts to write. I want to write how I feel but simply writing is not enough; I want to sing how I feel. I want the words to be my own, I desire that connection of personal worship. The connection I feel when the words fall out of my mouth revealing the condition of my heart.

The connection is lost, and I am frustrated. How can this be restored? How can I be so close and not be able to write about where I am? None of this is making any sense to me. Is my song writing chapter over? Has He taken the gift away? And if He has, why do I have this aching?

I have never been one to sit down and say, "Now I will write a song". No, the words have always been given to me. Over the last few weeks the words that have been given don't make any sense.
For an example this morning I wrote this:

I'm reaching for something, longing for it to be real.
While searching for the answers, my soul longs to hear.
I come up empty, grasping at nothingness.
And my heart beat echoes hollowly, hollowly, against my now empty chest.

These verses are out of character for me. I cannot figure out what God is trying to say, or if He is trying to say anything at all!? I am frustrated to the point of being hurt. I just don't understand what He wants. I just want Him to fix me, to break me, rebuild me...do something and let me sing about it!

Out of all honesty it makes me angry. Yes, I am admitting I am angry at God. How can He give me a desire and then refuse to fulfill it. I am sure it is all part of His master plan, but right now I am stomping my feet and saying it isn't fair. Maturity will come I am sure... maybe tomorrow.

"Do not cast me from you presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me." Psalm 50:11,12